Português essencial

Portuguese is essentially bad Spanish, mumbled.

--Eugene Holman

Portuguese is essentially Spanish spoken through ill-fitting dentures.

--Not Roger Mills

Portuguese is essentially the language spoken by Gallegos who decided to have their own independent country.

--Ivan C. Amaya

Portuguese is essentially Spanish while eating a hot potato.

--Mike Taylor

Ergo Portuguese is essentially Danish posing as a Romance language.

--Benct Philip Jonsson

Portuguese is essentially Spanish spoken while on Viagra™.

--Danny Wier

Brazilian is essentially Latin without consonants.

--Paulo Rónai (via Luís Henrique)

Portuguese is essentially Brazilian without vowels.

--Luís Henrique

Portuguese is essentially Spanish as spoken by a Russian.

--Peter Clark

Azorean Portuguese is essentially your Mainland Portuguese as spoken with puckered lips.

--ilvi

Portuguese is nothing more than Spanish as spoken by people who wannabe French.

--Javier de la Rosa

Gallego is essentially Portuguese as suppressed by Francisco Franco (a wannabe Castilian).

--Javier de la Rosa

Brazilian is essentially Spanish spoken by Portuguese hot babes with rhythm.

--Javier de la Rosa

Brazilian is essentially a conlang created by people who wanted to have sex all the time, but still be able to talk about everyday things.

--alleszermalmer

Portuguese and Galician are hayseed dialects of Spanish.

--Brian

They say if you're speaking bad Spanish, you're speaking Portuguese but I didn't find that to be true!

--Brian

Portuguese is Spanish spoken with a French accent. (Not really true since the nasals in Portuguese are different than those in French.)

--Brian

Portuguese is essentially a kind of contact language formed from Spanish and... more Spanish!

--Maria

To a Galician speaker, Portuguese sounds like a kind of Galician with most vowels left out, whereas to a Portuguese speaker Galician may sometimes sound like Portuguese with a Spanish accent.

--Anonymous

Portuguese is Spanish spoken by a drunken Frenchman.

--vacapinta

Portuguese (Brazilian) is Spanish without bones.

--Carlos Quevedo

To a Galician speaker, Portuguese sounds like a kind of Galician with most vowels left out, whereas to a Portuguese speaker Galician may sometimes sound like Portuguese with a Spanish accent.

--John Cowan

Portuguese is essentially bad Latin that Spaniards cannot understand.

--Humberto Ribeiro

Portuguese is Italian spoken by someone on sedatives.

--Ken Westmoreland

Portuguese is essentially like a kind of Galician with most vowels left out.

--Anonymous Wikipedian

Contrariwise, Galician is essentially Portuguese with a Spanish accent.

--Anonymous Wikipedian

Portuguese is essentially hard core Galician.

--Ivan C. Amaya

Brazilian is essentially Portuguese with bossa rhythm.

--Ivan C. Amaya

Portuguese is essentially Spanish that's ashamed of its heritage, so it passes itself off as a Slavic language.

--Bill Van

Portuguese is essentially a dialect of Spanish that managed to score an army and a navy.

--Leonardo Boiko

Portuguese is essentially heavily mutated vulgar soldier's Latin, as spoken by prescriptive purists obsessed with "preserving the correct language".

--Leonardo Boiko

Portuguese is essentially Spanish.

--Leonardo Boiko

Brazilian Portuguese is essentially Spanish.

--Sili

Portuguese is essentially Spanish that's been left out in the rain all night.

--Paul Clarke

 in Essentialist Explanations